Healing pain
Ideally, we operate on inspiration and thrive, which leads to the good life we seek, but it is often far more beneficial to operate while aware of your discomfort. Fear and being afraid of becoming homeless, for example, can motivate us to keep going. Whatever works for you is fine, but I believe if there was a way to do things with serenity and thankfulness, we would not burn out as much as we do when functioning at these desperate levels.
We discussed our major events in the previous blog, and now it's time to restructure and make sense of them. This is the graphic we created the last time.
These questions can lead you down new paths, so take your time and perhaps share it with someone close to you later so you don't lose sight of the reality. I propose addressing one previous pain at a time.
1. Identify the story you remember about it and write down what you have decided at that time.
Accept also what you experienced. Putting it under the rug only prolongs the healing process.
“After my first heartbreak I couldn't trust anyone anymore because I trusted this guy and even when everything seemed good it was pretending to him. I set my boundaries to not get hurt again and I don't want similar guys in my life. Also I will have to be single for a while to heal from it. I hate myself for it to prolong this relationship.”
2. How can I be more self-compassionate towards myself?
Think about what steps you could make? Most of the time when something happens we blame ourselves. Let's write down a bit of a different script like you were talking to your friend.
“I actually did my best and thought this would work. I didn't want to believe that this is the truth because I was so in love with this person and I liked the future we were building. Reality was hard for me to process but now I can clearly understand what actually happened. I learned actually about myself and i can see my value now. The truth is in my past my parents didn't give me attention so I cling to guys who fill that hole in me. That is why I like their attention even when they don't see more of me. I misjudge them and I fall into the wrong guy who plays me.”
Sometimes when we are in some situation we don't really see what is going on. It is easier to blame others or ourselves. But letting go of it is a way to move forward. That is why we need to practice self-compassion so it will be our inner dialogue. Seeing also what is the actual truth and where it can be connected is a beneficial thing to reflect on. Even if you think no it can't be connected, write all the thoughts that come up. Your mind is powerful actually and it can connect the things where it is coming from.
3. What is the healthiest way to process this trauma or pain?
If this pain or trauma is still deep within you maybe it is time to express it. Think about things you like to do. Let it be simple as dancing alone in the room or painting scribbles. Test out things that make you feel alive. Doing things that make you feel alive can really help you to accept this pain you learned. Some people write songs or sing it out, draw something or write a poem. Try to find anything that helps you but don't use it as a coping tool. Coping is like scrolling social media, playing computer games and feeling this pain inside you. It is more of expressing it out but in some type of form that no one is harmed only you feel free. Remember you deserve to be inspired, free and happy!
4. What healthy and sensible boundaries you can set for yourself?
Just as in this example you touch the fire you burn your finger you learn not to touch it, but what if you learned you will never touch it and not do things with fire ever again. Sometimes we learn to set such extreme boundaries that they are stopping you from living and doing things. So try to play around with them and still remain respectful to yourself. Perhaps a good question would be what did I learn from this.
“After this break up I learned that I had value all along. I am a full person. I shouldn't doubt myself. Although it is natural thing to doubt but it should guide me. I realized this relationship was based on a fairytale that I wanted to be the truth. I fell in love with the vision of what it could be. Now looking back I should look for real things and indicators that this person is actually invested not just for fun. “
This realization is already more clear and helps you to move forward to enter peace and healing around you. Your boundaries could be to see first what the person is, maybe research what things to talk about when getting to a serious and mature relationship. Go on a 3 month dating to test if this is really a relationship to be in long-term. Understanding also what you need is a good thing and what things you are working on. Sharing these with a trusted future partner is a good thing so you know how they react and if they actually value you.
5. Celebrate your progress.
Talk to your close people about your new discoveries, what you learned. Even the small steps you take in your healing journey are worth celebrating. Healing is also a journey with time and different practices you become a fuller person. Trust yourself on this journey because you are worth it and re-visit these things as much as you want but with grace and carefulness. In bigger traumas when things just drag you deeper and deeper it is important to seek professional help.
Healing in the end is a deeply personal journey and only you know what can truly help and heal you. I believe that in every person lies a great lesson we can all learn from, so as your story matters.
Thank you for reading!
Recent post: Timeline
Start by reading: I take myself seriously, Setting up a new version of me, Revisiting my childhood, Timeline, Healing pain, Beliefs that hold us back, Finding my dreams and purpose, Actionable goals, Staying on track, Daily needs, Building self love, Daily reflection, Vision board, Revisiting lessons,
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